DayCare day(night)mares

My son started his day care this week - he is 34 months and today is his second day and I am contemplating for the 7568th time why I am working and not quitting.
I am sure these are some of the worst times and decisions parents have to make - I still cant think of a harder decision I have had to take in my life than to decide to go back to work. I have been working for the past 2 years. These times have been great with my son quickly settling down with a friend who runs ahome daycare and then with his grandparents.
now they are going back to india and my son also in his preschool years, we want him to be in a more disciplined setting.
I am worried to death about his new daycare - I had good reviews about this day care from a friend, its just my lil one's crying when I drop him off that has me unable to concentrate at work.
I AM STILL CONTEMPLATING ABOUT GOING TO WORK.
I read all these mommy blogs and stay at home moms and I am JEALOUS!!!
My kid is so happy with me - should I stay home?
Will this improve in a week's time or I will still feel bad???

How I wish my story was similar to this one 55 word fiction called Trust: http://jottingsnmusings.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/55-fiction/

Keep quiet

I started this blog as a means to pour out my feelings without worrying about my own image because of my anonymous identity.
turns out my life is not as miserable - iam feeling much better these days, not that anything around me has changed dramatically, just that what I take to heart has changed - i understand I still have a long way to go, but nevertheless, this could be a good start.
A wise well-wisher once advised me philosophically about life when I told her about my family problems - she told me there is much more and all this will seem like a joke one day - it is already happening - it is funny grown up people can turn tables so easily and act like kids.
I just realised nothing is going to be lost by keeping quiet - no words spoken out of anger that were not meant, nothing said so someone gets hurt intentionally or unintentionally, leave the other person in dark about what you think, never feel bad yourself about having said something bad.
WOW - so many merits, but why it is so hard to shut up when one really needs to....

Women & Rape

I just finished reading the book, "The Family" the last novel by Mario Puzo. The book is pretty much about the filth in the family of Rodrigo Borgia, also the Pope Alexander VI - I couldnt believe all of it was true, until I researched a bit more to find out it could have been. Also, war rapes, especially raping women of the defeated/invaded country, seems to have been a common thing and this got me into writing this post.

In many cultures, raping women is considered as a form of insult incurred to the victims, their family or community - war rapes are a common thing and it is quite uncommon that a war ended without rapes.

Raping women is usually associated with a woman's honor - at least so in India. Women are supposedly highly respected & their chastity considered even more important in India. That they can be raped makes women look more vulnerable, even though the same thing can happen to a man. Staying chaste through out life and a virgin before wedding is a mandate for women in most parts of India.

Sex education was and still is a taboo pretty much in India and my parents never taught me anything about it when I grew up. Leave alone talk, it was never even mentioned. Nevertheless I learnt a lot of right and wrong things about the topic here and there. From magazines, watching the indian masala movies, etc... I didnot know what sexual abuse was until a long time - can you think of any Indian movie where child sexual abuse & the emotional trauma it can cause is the theme - I only can remember movies in which kids talk like adults.

So, there was this TV serial - a thriller one that we all loved to watch as a family. The lead female character in this serial was a smart medical student, very curious and inquisitive. She visits her friend's hometown, a remote south indian village. She is intrigued by the beliefs of the locals about the myths of the local deity and the temple. She breaks the village temple rules & in the process solves puzzles to unearth some wealth stored away in the village. It is an interesting storyline, but coming to its relevance to this post, she is raped by a patient with psycological disorders, MPD , and it is discovered only later. The girl comes about as though nothing happened after the rape - the lack of usual crying and drama surprised me and her reaction made perfect sense to me and I think it is a big blow to the society and bold step for women. I realised a woman rape victim doesn't have to act any different. She continues her life with her usual cheer & enthusiasm. To me, this was an eye-opener to realising that if people didnt consider raping a woman more than a mere physical assault, our poor men would have nothing else to do to insult women.

I made up my mind that day that I will teach my kids about sex when they are ready to know it and prepare them for the society/community with ridiculous beliefs, practices and notions.

I rested assured that day with Gandhiji's quote that means - "Nobody can take away your respect/honor unless you give it".

How would our lives be without friends ...... MISERABLE!!

I have this very sensitive friend who sees everything in black and white - she is sweet and warm in her own unique way. All of us have flaws and hers is to expect everything to be perfect - I remember the days one of our friends made a mistake and to get this friend to accept the apology or accept the mistake was a hard task. The problem is she cannot understand that it is ok for people to do things that they can't reason, that people dont intentionally hurt her and sometimes she has to ignore what people say to her. Most of the time, she ends up with confrontations, because she reacts to people that dont know how to talk/behave. She has been a long-time friend to me and it has taken sometime for me to understand the sweet person in her that is behind the crude exterior.
All was going well until she got married. Her inlaws are sweet people and the first few years of marriage was heaven - she was the happiest person in the world. Slowly, she started victimizing herself to the very rare loose-talks of her in-laws and imagined insults. The timing of this is very bad, because this is compounded by another temporary health/personal problem.
Over the years, we have become strong support system to each other, inspite of the distance between the places where we live in. I am thinking she is over-sensitive and over-reactive at times and this may be ruining her otherwise peaceful relationship with her family - I am myself not a great pro in handling family situations, but I think she can do something to help her ship from sinking. I keep telling her not to over-react and that she can call me any time and lament as much as she wants and get it over with.
Lately, we have both been talking more frequently and always one of us is ranting/lamenting .... how miserable we are....but even more without each other.

Date-Out

I usually pack lunches for my husband and myself everyday - yesterday he didnt want lunch because he was going out for an informal team lunch - I was lazy to pack for myself and thought I'd eat out as well. I felt like joining him for lunch, he asked once to join as well. but I was not sure it was appropriate to go with his team. so I said no and he didnt push. then he calls around lunch time and tells me he his friends ditched him and he wanted to have lunch with me, I was laughing stealthily, but he knew from my voice I was glad about that. So off we went to this nice restaurant, just the 2 of us and we had a nice lunch - And end of the lunch, we were chatting away for about 10 mins and I realised I felt like I should tell him his virtues and how much sweet he is and all that. So, I told him that he has been very sweet and very loving and understanding and let me do what I like to do and want to do, no sort of pressure from him in any way - to this he tells me its nice to hear and that he should take me to lunches often. And then I could not stop myself telling him what I didnt like about him - he is shallow or at least seems so - he is not a good talker, but a good listener and understands me very well. So, I pretty much dont get anything in response to my serious talks, except that he loved me and will do anything to comfort me. Why I say shallow is that when it comes to family crisis, everybody talks and shouts and rants - but all he can come up with is an escapy smile and no strong gestures. he is not a strong personality - nothing wrong about it , except in times of problems, when it seems like he doesnt care, while actually he doesnt know how to react.....
And then I ask him, what he doesnt like about me, he says I am very judgemental and evaluating - I know this was coming. I know I am and sometimes can get mean - but thats what I am. He also said, I was not doing it to him lately, also attributed that to our spending less time together. I made a note to myself to not to evaluate him any more...

rant when hurt

Every now and then these days, I get very hurt by what my either of my parents-in-law say and unable to contain the anger on hearing what they say, I shut myself up. Then, my husband notices I am not the usual self and pokes to find out what it is, which he can do at liberty without being questioned what-and-why by my MIL only when we are out of the house. So he does poke me and then I start sobbing - the sobbing goes on and I end up telling him what it is that has hurt me and then he comforts me as much as he can and as much as time permits becos if we are out without our son or the in-laws, it is to go to work. Then, I cant keep sobbing on and on, sometime I have to stop, haven't I and move on - which is what happens. The whole episode gets over within a day to a week usually and I have to move on because the show has to go on - I am a mother, daughter-in-law, wife, daughter and a friend to many. These traumatic episodes have had their effect on me over time - I cant exactly define what the change they have brought on me - but like Newton's law says - every action has an equal and opposite reaction - the reaction doesnt stop with sobbing - it has kind of brought a sense of less regard for my in-laws over time. Many a times, I have begun to ask why-should-I-do-this-for-the-in-laws'-sake, there is no love between us, I have started a tendency of doing favors only when it is asked for, avoiding pleasantaries with them, not generally caring for them, unlike the way I would do for my loved ones.
And for them, it is more of a kind of - it is the duty of the daughter-in-law that she should care for us really and love us. But I dont want to fake it when I have these unpleasant situations caused by them and act like it never hurt me. If I attempt to talk to them about this, all the excuses of the world come to rescue them, but none for me. they go -It is your duty, I did my duty to my MIL, but no one to take care of me - kind of stuff.
I am really getting tired of all this and cant take anymore and am giving up and giving in - i am drained and going to be plain submissive - if that will make them stop hurting me with their words.

Time for ourselves

I am going to ask husbandji if he will spend time with me alone for 15 mins everday....
seems like it is silly, but I think we never get to spend time alone and even if we did, like in the morning when we ride to work, we either think about what happened in the morning like kiddo fussing for breakfast or MIL complaining or what work we have in the day...
I think we should just ease out for a few mins after work everyday so we just chatter away about just ourselves....