Every now and then these days, I get very hurt by what my either of my parents-in-law say and unable to contain the anger on hearing what they say, I shut myself up. Then, my husband notices I am not the usual self and pokes to find out what it is, which he can do at liberty without being questioned what-and-why by my MIL only when we are out of the house. So he does poke me and then I start sobbing - the sobbing goes on and I end up telling him what it is that has hurt me and then he comforts me as much as he can and as much as time permits becos if we are out without our son or the in-laws, it is to go to work. Then, I cant keep sobbing on and on, sometime I have to stop, haven't I and move on - which is what happens. The whole episode gets over within a day to a week usually and I have to move on because the show has to go on - I am a mother, daughter-in-law, wife, daughter and a friend to many. These traumatic episodes have had their effect on me over time - I cant exactly define what the change they have brought on me - but like Newton's law says - every action has an equal and opposite reaction - the reaction doesnt stop with sobbing - it has kind of brought a sense of less regard for my in-laws over time. Many a times, I have begun to ask why-should-I-do-this-for-the-in-laws'-sake, there is no love between us, I have started a tendency of doing favors only when it is asked for, avoiding pleasantaries with them, not generally caring for them, unlike the way I would do for my loved ones.
And for them, it is more of a kind of - it is the duty of the daughter-in-law that she should care for us really and love us. But I dont want to fake it when I have these unpleasant situations caused by them and act like it never hurt me. If I attempt to talk to them about this, all the excuses of the world come to rescue them, but none for me. they go -It is your duty, I did my duty to my MIL, but no one to take care of me - kind of stuff.
I am really getting tired of all this and cant take anymore and am giving up and giving in - i am drained and going to be plain submissive - if that will make them stop hurting me with their words.
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This is why I hate this system. It's a one sided biased system which crushes a woman, an adult, a mother, a working mother into submission and guilt.
Husbands can't do much because they are raised to believe the biggest sin an Indian man can do is support his life partner when she is not happy with the joint family.
Having loving and matured women friends can be such a blessing. Thank fully you also have a job. Don't be submissive - but stop feeling so guilty if you are not being dutiful, and loving and if you mind being taken for granted -it's perfectly normal.
Women over-do and get walked all over. Make sure you have some outings with your friends also (just like your husband has). Sounds tough, but it will totally refresh you. Maybe a group of colleagues, use work as an excuse, or child's friend's birthday party.
And why should you cry? If you truly feel your mom in law is being unfair, either tell her that in minimum words or just ignore her. I know these situations are very complex, and extremely biased.
Did you read the post about the Anonymous Daughter in law? You are not alone. Hugs.
- IHM
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